The Apprentice - Series 5 epsiode 1

I thought I'd make a few brief comments on the first epsiode of the new series of The Apprentice. First off here's a recap taken from the BBC website:

Project Managers: Mona - Ignite, Howard - Empire

Sir Alan wants to see the candidates get their hands dirty in this task. They've got ten hours to bring in the cash by cleaning and they've got up to £200 to spend on industrial cleaning materials.

Under pressure to start making money, the boys are fast to secure a contract to valet 30 mini cabs. Howard sends half the team to the cab forecourt, while he takes his half out shoe-shining. Back at HQ the girls' faff about choosing their cleaning products. 'Well done,' lawyer Anita announces, as the girls tot up £196 on materials, 'you've spent your budget wisely'.

How hard is it to clean a car? Back on the forecourt the hyped boys' team announce, 'we're Muppets if we can't do these 30 cars. If you're not fast you're going to be last'. Fast forward to 4 pm and only a few cars have been finished and most to a poor standard. Project manager Howard abandons his shoe shining and swoops in to speed up the valeting service.

The girls struggle with their business too. Their offer of £250 for three Hummers is refused. The client usually pays £20 per car. Car cleaning proves lucrative, but it's harder work than they imagined. Debra's splinter team have secured an opportunity to clean a showroom of classic cars, but after taking three hours to clean four cars and smearing a Mustang with shoe polish, the un-amused manager sends the girls packing.

At 7 pm, back in the boardroom the efforts of each team become clear. The girls make ten pounds more than the boys, but lose the task due to the £196 they spent on materials. Debra, Mona and Anita receive a roasting from Sir Alan, but Anita's singled out as the person responsible for the failure of the task. 'You were on the back of the van. You saw the money flowing out,' says Sir Alan. 'You showed no initiative' and Anita is the first casualty of the boardroom.

A good start by the boys but it's plain to see divisions have already started to form. I think Howard did a good job as PM and told Phillip not to clean car interiors, the latter did not adhere to this instruction and the boys found themselves under pressure fromt he start. Meanwhile Howard's team seemed to do well in their shoe shining efforts and made a decent return on their minimal investment.

The girls were disorganised, Mona didn't really seem like she wanted to be PM. Her management of the team was poor and she should have kept tabs on how much money was being spent on equipment. Kate had the right idea when she said they were spending too much on materials but she wasn't vocal enough. In the boardroom Anita got the heave ho because she didn't fight her corner although the real culprit was Mona who now lives to fight another day.

First impressions:

Noorul Choudhury - He reminds me of Mani from series 3, smug and full of himself.

Debra Barr - Loudmouth who got caught out lying in the boardroom by Mona. She'll cause plenty of trouble but I'm sure SAS will like her feisty attitude in the boardroom.

Phillip Taylor - Can't follow orders and I think he's going to try and be a leader from the start.

Mona Lewis - Way out of her depth, talks rubbish and it won't be long before she is gone.

Anita Shah - Unlucky to get fired on this occasion, but lets face it, with a face like hers, she wasn't going to win anything!
No one really shone in this first epsiode

Hell's Kitchen Day 3 & 4

Day 3 started with Chef Ramsey testing the contestants on their knowledge of meat. They had to label 12 types of meat correctly. The second part of the challenge was for the teams to identify which type of meat came from which part of the cow. The guys won the challenge and headed off for their treat while the girls had to first unload a truck full of meat before having to eat various gruesome animal parts.

HK was turned in to a steak house for the evening and steak house worker Giovanni took the meat station in the blue kitchen but his efforts were less than stellar. Meanwhile, Andrea took charge in the red kitchen and led her team to victory. The guys nominated Seth and Charlie and Chef Ramsey got rid of the latter.

Day 4 started with a breakfast challenge where both teams had to cook breakfast for 50 child cheerleaders and footballers. The guys lost the challenge and Seth was blamed be his team mates. Back at the house, Danny and Ben went at it, Ben lost his cool and and told Danny "You couldn't even cook my ****".

The girls went for their treat and the guys were left to do their prep - they didn't complete it. Dinner service was a crash crash with Coi in the Red kitchen feeling the wrath of Chef Ramsey. In the Blue kitchen, enemies Ben and Danny both got an earful and while Seth got an extra special bollocking for wiping his face and then wiping his pan. Ramsey announced both teams as losers and told them to nominate two people for eviction.

Back at the house and Coi openly admitted that she had been terrible, Carol chipped in to say that had Lacey been on that station, it would have been ten times worse! The contestants lined up in front of Chef Ramsey, the boys picked Seth and Ben whilst the girls picked Lacey and Colleen. With Lacey and Colleen both up for nomination, I feared the worst for Colleen but chef picked off Seth. But there was one final twist before the end, Lacey was moved to the mens team much to the joy of Carol.

Lesbian Vampire Disappointment!

Not since the release of Sankes on a Plane was released have I been so disappointed with a film that has an awesome title! But at least Snakes on a Plane had plenty of snakes, In Corden and Horne's latest outing, Lesbian Vampires aren't lesbian enough for my liking!

After being dumped by his girlfriend again, Jimmy (Horne) and his best friend Fletch (Corden) decide they need a break, being skint Jimmy comes up with the idea of a hiking holiday, much to the disapproval of Fletch who is more interested in getting his end away. The pals head off to the village of Cragwich for some peace and relaxation. Upon entering the village, the mysterious locals send the boys to a lodge where they meet a group of female Swedish party goers (although the accents were so bad they could have been American or Irish). At the lodge the travellers fun is short lived as a series of mysterious disappearances throws Jimmy, Fletch and Lotte in to a battle against the Vampire Queen Carmilla.

If you read the last paragraph you may be thinking that this film doesn't sound bad, well let me be perfectly clear, this film is far from good, in fact it, it is terrible! Thankfully for Horne and Corden, they already have a fan base out there and a succesful show because if they were first timers, they would have been finished after this shambles. The script is poor, the gags are non exsistant, the plot is bland and the direction is weak. There is no gore, in fact every time one of the vampires is killed they just spray a load of white goo, hardly terrifying or funny. In fact one must ask, where the hell were the jokes in this 'comedy'? Horne and Corden were one dimensional, both just playing their characters Gavin and Smithy, Corden was reduced to passing off swear words as gags. Lesbian Vampire Killers is sh*t, don't watch it!

HK day 2

After last night’s elimination of Wil, a number of the boys weren’t too pleased at having to spend at least another day with Seth. Day 2 started with an early wake-up call for the contestants, they were assembled outside HK where they viewed the wasted food from the previous night’s service. But Ramsey must have been in a good mood because he didn’t make them swim in it, instead the two teams had to find fish out scallops from a couple of tanks, unfortunately for Colleen, she got very intimate with the scallops.

The challenge was for the contestants to extract the scallop meat, the winning team being the one who could produce the most scallops that met Chef Ramsey’s approval. The boys won by a single scallop. The girls were left to rue their loss as the boys were set to go off on a boat ride. Shortly before the guys were to set off, Ramsey called in Big Robert and advised him that he would not be able to travel with the rest of the team because there was a 300lb limit per person on the boat. I thought this was a little tacky in the sense that this could have been done off camera, making the fat guy feel bad wasn’t really the way to go. But Chef Ramsey appeared to soften by allowing Robert to meet the guys at the Island by taking the ferry across. So we cut to scenes of the boys having fun with Gordon and Seth being extremely scary with all his Ramsey related knowledge. Meanwhile Robert crosses in to the island via the ferry only to be met by the boys and Gordon and told that they are heading back! What a pointless task? Why make Ramsey look like a dick for picking on the fat guy?

Meanwhile lazy Lacey felt the wrath of her teammates when she failed to come down for her team’s punishment. As the teams cleared up after the prep work, Ji twisted her ankle. La was concerned for her team mate, what she should have been more concerned about was the fact that she had been cleaning the floor seconds before the accident occurred, it was all her fault I tell you! During service Colleen got her customary bashing from Chef Ramsey and I have to admire Colleen’s resolve in the face of such criticism. Meanwhile Ji soldiered on despite being in excruciating pain helping her team finish a full service. The boys did likewise and were declared the winners.

Back in the dorm the bitch fest began, Carol went on the attack against Lacey, but truth be told, Carol was not great shakes in the kitchen, at least Lazy ass Lacey has shown some potential. The girls elected to put Lacey and Ramsey’s favourite Caollen up for nomination. But the twist came moments before Ramsey was about to fire Colleen (well he didn’t say it, but we all know he was itching to get rid of her), Ji asked to go as the pain in her ankle was too much. Ji got a send off that’s usually reserved for presidents, whilst Lacey and Colleen live to fight another day!

The Shield

I've finished watching series one (I know I'm so behind when it comes to some shows!) and it was pretty awesome, it's no holds barred and it has the same kind of edge The Wire used to have. One thing I'm still split on is Vic Mackey, the main man of the show. The problem with Mackey is, he doesn't just bend the rules, he's a law unto himself and in the very first episode he shoots dead a cop. Later on we find that he has links with local drug lord Rondell. My favourite ever cop has to be Jimmy McNulty, he liked to bend the rules in order to get the job done and he was a pain in the ass but he never over stepped the mark. Mackey has his good qualities, he looks out for his boys, he's a family man and he does more good than bad.

His war with Aceveda is an interesting one, even though Aceveda is looking to get Vic by the balls, he's having to work with Mackey because he knows, Vic is one of his best cops and without him Farmington would be a very dangerous place.

Personally my favourite character has to be Dutch, he's a bit of a nerd (Like Prez and Lester of The Wire) but he's damn good too! When he busted the serial killer, it was a defining moment for his character.

Hell's Kitchen Season 5

The foul mouthed Brit is back with another season of Hell's Kitchen and according to the blurb at the start, this season has the best candidates in HK history and it's the most exciting season to date. In that case either the contestants on HK series one were really bad or they say the same the thing every year!

This year 300 of the finalists were invited to HK where the final 16 were chosen. Those 16 were then made to cook their signature dishes before Gordon humilated them. Most of the participants seem to have some sort of culinary background ranging from executive chef to line cook.

The first nights service saw Carol from the girls team (who called themselves Team Saffron) and Giovanni from the boys team (The Blues Brothers) to work front of house. Carol seemed to excel in the role whilst Giovanni started off badly and maintained this level for the remainder of the night. Meanwhile Coi and Lacey went at each other minutes before the doors to HK had opened. Lacey said that she wanted to show people that she wasn't just a pretty face. Huh? This girl is delusiuonal, she isn't even pretty! The service went from bad to worse as Colleen and Robert both struggled to get out their starters, meanwhile a power outage in the restaurant caused a delay in service but allowed the would-be chefs some respite from the raging Ramsey. But once service resumed Wil on garnishes found himself the scapegoat in the blue kitchen whilst Colleen in the red kitchen found herself in hot water, unlike her pasta which was raw! Ramsey called for an end as the punters started to head for the door.

Ramsey declared the girls the winners, the deciding factor being Carol's performance on the floor. The guys went back to the dorm to slug it out and decide who would be nominated for elimination, eventually deciding on Seth as the main culprit along with Wil who nominated himself. Ramsey made quick work of the two losers and dispatched Wil in to the abyss much to the other mens disappointment.

It's difficult to make much of the first few series as far as charcters to go but Gordon obviously doesn't have much time for Colleen, the personal chef trainer who hasn't worked as a chef before! Her number will be up pretty soon. Meanwhile Lacey comes across as lazy and it won't be long before she gets the boot. No really likeable characters at the moment so I'll give it a few more episodes before I decide on who I like.

Comic Relief does the Apprentice

I caught the first part of the Comic Relief version of the Apprentice tonight. The boys lined up with Jonathan Ross, Jack Dee, Alan Carr, Gok Wan and Gerald Ratner and the girls team lined up with Ruby Wax, Michelle Moone, Fiona Phillips, Patsy Palmer and Carol Voderman. The guys team looked pretty solid despite being filled with comedians!

The task set this time round was a little different, rather than raising funds from their celebrity friends, the teams had to design and market a new toy. The girls picked Lingerie boss Michelle Moone as their project manager and the boys picked Gerald Ratner as theirs but I think Jonathan Ross really wanted to take the lead.

The guys went with Ross's idea of having a belt with hooks on, with attachable characters to be collected seperately. The girls team went with a velcro body suit with a dice to create a 'Twister' type game. Patsy had a spat with Michelle, because she didn't like being told what to do, although it just made her look like an idiot for walking out and then coming back. The guys seemingly got on well despite Jonathan's best efforts to wind up Jack.

The guy's presentation was far superior, although their product was weak and their add was a little amateurish. The girls had a superior product concept, although the design looked a little cheap, their advert was a lot better than the boys but still lacked quality.

In the boardroom Sir Alan decided quizzed the two teams, Patsy mentioned that she thought Michelle was a bad project manager, hmmm still a bit bitter? Jack came out with the line of the night when he said "Sir Alan, if you are in the mood of firing someone, may I suggest the person who counts the chairs". The girls won the task and one of the boys gets fired on tonights Comic Relief special. I'll take a guess and say Jonathan gets it!

Death Race

Jason Statham has taken a a lot of flack recently, mostly due to how rubbish his Transporter Trilogy was. Personally I liked him in The Bank Job and any bloke who has shagged Kelly Brook is alright in my book! Back to the flick, set in 2012, a bleak future where corporations run the prisons for profit (OK I stole some of that wording from the title sequence!) and Terminal Island Penitentiary hosts the ultimate in voyeuristic destruction - Death Race. The premise is simple, kill all your opponents and be the last man standing, do it 5 times and you're free. Our man Jensen Ames (Statham) is framed for murdering his wife and sent to Terminal Island, it soon becomes apparent that his only way out of jail is to take part in the Death Race as the masked favourite Frankenstien, the original having died in the previous race. Ames soon discovers that the outcome of the Death Race is in the hands of Governess Hennessey and she'll do whatever it takes to make sure Ames stays locked up.

The film isn't great, but it's not awful either and tatham needs to be commended for using that growly voice for the entire film, he must have had a sore throat by the end! There's plenty of action, a fair bit of blood and guts and lots of men standing around admiring their cars. If you want action, a simple to follow story and some testosterone fuelled racing violence then this is the film for you. Easy time pass violence!